Shannon Ethridge answered additional questions about The Fantasy Fallacy (Thomas Nelson, October 2012). See the October 2012 issue of Christian Retailing for the first part of this Close Up interview.

What is the difference between lust and fantasy, or are they the same?

Fantasy is simply the brain's way of trying to heal itself from some sort of past emotional trauma or tragedy. Our brain compartmentalizes that pain to make room for pleasure, because we're mentally unable to experience overwhelming pain and overwhelming pleasure simultaneously. Lust becomes an issue, however, when we try to act out that fantasy, luring someone else into our mental projection of what we think will bring us pleasure. We must remember that sexual fantasies are merely a rocky road map from our past, not a reliable guide into future fulfillment. As the mantra goes, "The fantasy is always better than the reality."

What becomes different in terms of fantasy when a person gets married?

Often a spouse will feel the need to entertain some sort of sexual fantasy in order to get aroused enough to want to connect in the marriage bed. Although many—especially women—struggle with guilt over this mental dynamic, our creative imaginations are a gift from God. One woman told me that for 30 years, she didn't want to have sex with her husband, and they almost divorced. But then she explained her dilemma to a counselor who asked, "If God designed your brain in such a way that you can become sexually aroused simply by entertaining certain thoughts, isn't that a blessing rather than a burden?" Looking through this lens allowed her to give up the guilt rather than giving up on her marriage. Twenty years later, after 50+ years of marriage, she says their sex life is better than she ever imagined possible.

You address issues such as online sexual connections and gay/lesbian fantasies. In counseling, do you see a distinct difference between the believer and unbeliever with regard to these temptations?

Based on my years of experience, there's absolutely no difference whatsoever. Whether we're Christians or not, we're sexual beings with sexual fantasies that sometimes completely betray our religious or moral codes of ethics. In fact, I'd say that people of faith have an even greater challenge in coping with their sexual fantasies because sexual guilt and shame are something that are often ingrained in them by well-meaning spiritual parents. Then they don't feel the freedom to say to their Christian parents or spiritual leaders, "Hey, do you have any idea why I would find such-and-such so sexually arousing?" so they sweep their fantasies under the proverbial rug and run the risk of tripping over it in the future.

Should singles or marrieds read your book—or both?

People are "sexual beings," whether they are married or single, male or female, young or old, Catholic or Protestant, Democrat or Republican. Regardless of our marital status, gender, race, economic background, political views, etc., we all must learn how to be good stewards with God's gift of sexuality. The only person who doesn't stand to benefit greatly from reading The Fantasy Fallacy would be one who's no longer breathing because as long as you're breathing, you're a sexual being.

How does The Fantasy Fallacy help women embrace healthy sexuality?

Sexual climax is mostly a mental activity for women, and a woman's mental fantasies are often quite unconventional, such as being raped, dominated or spanked, having a much older or younger partner, having a same-sex partner or even experiencing multiple partners simultaneously. As women understand where their most intimate (and often embarrassing) sexual fantasies actually originate, they will learn that these activities are not what they actually want in reality—thus removing the guilt, shame and temptation. They will gain insight into the specific areas that are still in need of God's healing touch. And they will take solace in the fact that sexual fantasies are merely the stories our brains create in order to make us feel safe enough to experience euphoric pleasure. In addition, The Fantasy Fallacy will help women understand why their husbands have certain sexual fantasies, and can equip her to become a source of healing in his life rather than a source of judgment and condemnation.

What's in your book for men?

Men will glean the same things as women—a deeper understanding of their own deepest, darkest sexual thoughts and fantasies, a game plan for how to control those fantasies before they control us, plus a greater empathy for the sexual struggles of others, especially their own wives and children. As the spiritual leaders of the home, it would be great for husbands and dads to be able to lead conversations with their wives and kids about understanding their own sexuality—conversations that have most often been avoided simply because parents didn't have the tools to communicate effectively about such sensitive and taboo topics.

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